


and i can feel myself going

by Anonymous



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Metaverse (Persona 5), Depression, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicide, Triggers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, slightly OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 04:20:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21220460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Akechi no longer found enjoyment in his life. He felt as if he had nothing going for him and that he no longer mattered. Things were hard, there was no denying that, but would putting an end to everything really be the solution?





	and i can feel myself going

He couldn't do this anymore.

He really couldn't. Now, it seemed as if the days were beginning to fly by, and there was nothing he could do about it. He often contemplated what he had going for him. Was it the fame? Because apart from that, he had nothing and no one. Well, there was one person. But he no longer wanted to be associated with him. Every day it was something new, every day it was a new lie that would come out of his mouth, and he'd believe him. 

It's so funny, how much trust we put into our partners. Their undeserving _trust. _

Akechi didn't deserve it. In fact, he deserved nothing. He really didn't understand _why _Akira had decided to put up with him for so long after everything he's done. It didn't make sense, and he couldn't seem to put the pieces together. 

Akechi wanted to run away from it all, drown in his sorrows and have everyone forget he even existed. But that was something which was hard to do. Especially with Akira, especially after what he's done to him. He finds himself unable to look Akira in the eyes and give him a genuine smile. Why does everything feel so terribly off? But it really was safe to say that their relationships was now one-sided. Akechi couldn't even stand being in the same room as Akira. He _hated_ Akira. He wanted to-

"Akechi."

That's right. Dinner. His least favourite part of the day. Akechi was beginning to lose a noticeable amount of weight, and Akira worried. Akira worried too much yet was unable to ask his partner if everything was alright. Their conversations seemed to be so short-lived now, and Akechi barely touched his food. And when he did, Akira would find that the bathroom door would stay shut and locked for quite some time as he heard muffled sobs and gags coming from the room where Akechi positioned himself in front of the toilet, throwing up whatever disgusting food he had forced into his system. They were so close yet so distant at the same time, and Akira didn't know why. 

"Are you not going to eat? I made your _favourite_." 

Akechi gave his partner a fake smile. "I'm not very hungry. But, maybe I'll consider taking with me tomorrow to work for lunch. I really do appreciate all you do for me, really. You always do such an _amazing_ job with preparing a delicious and fulfilling meal for me- us, every day." Akira says nothing, knowing his words aren't genuine and nods his head, cleaning the table as Akechi moves to their bedroom, plopping himself down on the old, stiff mattress. He reaches into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out a crumpled pack of cigarettes before taking one and lighting it. Akechi smokes now. Akira hates it, he hates when he stinks up their room. He hates sleeping next to him, the strong smell of cigarette smoke sticking to his soft hair and clothes. He hates the way he's slowly destroying himself. Akira felt like vomiting the first time he saw Akechi with a cigarette in his mouth. _The same brand his father used to smoke. The same cigarettes which would leave burns on his back when he was a child._

"Do you ever think about... _quitting?_" 

Akechi looks up at Akira realizing they're now in the same room together. Ashes begin to trickle down from his cigarette falling into the carpet beneath them. They were both twenty now, and Akechi was old enough to make smart and responsible decisions for himself. But why wouldn't he? 

"Oh dear, are we to have this conversation? It's been so long now, why would you bring it up?" 

Akechi was right. This had gone on for nearly a year now and Akira had not once said a single word to him. He was his partner, he was supposed to care the most for him, but it seemed as if Akria had become neglectful, not once questioning any of his actions. It was now that he was beginning to feel guilty. Akechi taps his cigarette out, letting it rest in the overly filled ashtray which sat on their bedstand. 

"I... I don't know. It's just, it's so unhealthy for you. And I do care, I promise. I wish you'd start taking better care of yourself, Akechi. I hear you sometimes, in the bathroom... you know, after dinner. Do you remember when we'd gone out to eat a few months back, I was on line waiting for someone to take us to our seats, and when I'd turned around you were gone. I thought you left me until I'd noticed you standing in front of the place smoking. And moments after we'd eaten, you got up from your seat making your way over to the bathroom. And after that, when I asked if you were alright, you said nothing. And it's been like that every day now. You never talk to me anymore, you never hug me or kiss me, and when you do, everything feels so obligated and out of place. Please... just talk to me, tell me what's wrong. I'm here to help you because I love you."

Silence fills the room, neither one of them speak. 

"I'd rather not discuss this with you. Not today, at least. I'm going to rest now, you should too." Akechi stripped down to nothing but a long-sleeved shirt and boxers, slipping into bed leaving Akria standing frozen like a statue. It was too early to sleep, but there was nothing else to do, and so Akira lay in the opposite side of the bed staring at the ceiling for what seemed to be hours before he lost track of time, falling into a deep slumber.

The morning came and went, and Akira awoke realizing that he'd overslept and was now considered late for work. He let out a sigh, glancing at the clock which was hung up on the wall. It read that it was now 11:23. Akira still had time. If he wanted to go to work, he could. But there was something telling him not to, that he should just take the day off. So with that, he pulled out his cell phone, which was hidden in the drawer of the nightstand, nearly knocking over Akechi's ashtray as he'd begun to contact his manager, informing him that he'd be taking a 'sick day' off. It was after he pressed send that he heard a thud coming from the bathroom. _Akechi. _Akira had then forced himself up from bed, making his way over to the bathroom, which was locked, of course. Nothing new, so why was he so surprised? The thing was that Akira hadn't prepared breakfast, and he was almost _positive_ that Akechi wouldn't eat on his own. So what exactly was going on? He'd begun to panic, knocking on the door before calling out his partner's name. 

"Akechi? Akechi. I know you're in there. Is... is everything alright?"

There was no response, not a peep to be heard. 

"Akechi, I'm giving you a solid five minutes to open up, and if you don't, I'll have no other choice but to force down the door." 

Akira moved back into his- _their _bedroom. Had Akechi been hurting himself? It was made evident that Akechi had slipped into some state of depression, but could it be that... _No. _Akechi wouldn't do that to himself. _Would he?_ Akira had frantically dug through everything in the bedroom. The closet, the drawers to the dresser and nightstand. He checked under the bed and lifted the mattress, and there was a large yellow package that had been taped back together. Akira tore through it, desperate to see what contents were hidden within. He flipped the package upsidedown, an empty bottle of pills and a plastic bag with flakey white dust in it fell onto the floor. Drug abuse? Since when? Although both contents were extremely alarming, the one which shocked him the most was a pack of razor blades, 50 count. 

Akira sprung up from the ground, rushing over to the bathroom door putting all his weight against the door, forcing it open. He let out a soft gasp, only to find Akechi crumpled up on the floor with his work clothes on, neatly ironed, leaning against the bathtub with a blade in one hand, while blood began to pool around the other, running from deep, open cuts on his left wrist. Akira's eyes blew open as he rolled down Akechi's sleeve, revealing even more cuts and scars. Just how neglectful had Akria gotten? How had he not seen this sooner?

"Fuck off, don't day anything, just leave me alone." 

Akira was taken back in surprise hearing Akechi swear as he'd never heard a single cuss slip from his mouth. 

"What?? No! Akechi, look what you've done to yourself! No way in _hell _am I gonna leave you like this. Are you insane?" 

"What do you care?" Snorted Akechi. "I've spiraled into such a horrendous mental state nearly a year ago and not once have you asked or showed any concern at all in regards to my mental health. How do you think _I _feel! I'm so... I'm so sick of being in this goddamn relationship when you could care less about me!! Oh, poor Akechi... He's in the bathroom slitting his wrist while dear little Akira goes about his day as if nothing has gone wrong at all! But of course, at the end of the day, he'll go to his pathetic little group of friends, ranting to them about how he's had such a _terribly __difficult day_. How sad, how _very_ sad."

Akira looked vaguely hurt, but Akechi didn't care anymore. After all, he'd stopped loving him ages ago, so why would it matter now? He was planning to end his life soon anyway, may as well say what's on his mind now. 

"I don't love you, Akira, in fact, I haven't in such a long time. I grew sick of this relationship, sick of you, sick of _everything_! For fuck's sake, I've been planning on KILLING myself for months now. _Clearly_ you couldn't take these fucking hints I kept dropping. I-"

He stopped, seemingly unable to say anything anymore. 

"Akechi... I- We're- I'm... I'm taking you to the hospital."

Akira reached his hand out to Akechi, pulling him up from the ground, briefly examining his wrist. He was almost positive he could see some kind of tissue peeking out from the wounds. He was still in shock, he couldn't believe he'd become _this_ neglectful. Before they'd left the small apartment, Akira had taken a small cloth, wrapping it around Akechi's wrist to keep the cuts covered. 

Akira's car was small and old, he'd gotten it nearly two years ago, and was slightly ashamed of driving such a worn-out car, but it took him from one place to another, and that's all that mattered. He fastened his seatbelt and sped off to the nearest hospital. The ride was silent until Akira decided to speak up and break the silence. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. 

"I would rather not."

It was made obvious that Akira had lost this battle, but the most he could do was get his wounds taken care of. Akechi was being stubborn, and for a brief moment, he'd seen a side of him he'd never seen before. It shocked him, it really did. Akira wondered how long he'd been up to this. With the amount of scars he had, this clearly wasn't the first time he'd done this. How long did he have to _suffer_ like this alone, because of every time Akira had decided to back out and avoid questioning him? But he clearly wasn't going to get any answers from him. Maybe things were better off left as is.

When they'd finally arrived in the hospital, Akira had watched as Akechi was taken into another room where he'd gotten stitches and was questioned by the doctors surrounding him. And when it was over, Akira walked into his room, plopping down into a rather stiff chair next to the hospital bed.

"Do you feel any better?"

"I suppose so." Was all Akechi said.

He sniffed.

"I'm sorry, I really am. It was a stupid thing for me to do, and I clearly wasn't thinking. I'm sorry I had to inconvenience you like that. It won't happen again, I promise."

Akira stood. "You don't have to apologize, it's not your fault. Remember, I'm partially at fault for this too, you know. I know you weren't thinking, really, I understand, but just think about how I'd feel id you actually left. God knows I'm to blame for this, but you'd leave such a big void in everyone's lives, especially mine. Even though you no longer feel the same way, I love you, I really do. Please, just always remember that. I'm going to go now, I think you'd need some time to yourself after what's happened. And I hope we can talk about this one day. Just promise you won't try anything else, okay?"

Akechi only nodded his head, waiting for Akira to leave the room before dragging himself up from bed, scanning the hallways making sure they were clear before going through with his plans. For a brief moment, Akechi regretted what he was about to do, feeling slightly guilty as he remembered Akira's last words. But it was for the best anyway. 

With that, once he arrived to the roof of the building, he removed his coat and shoes, climbing over the tall fence, shortly before letting himself go, never to return again.

**Author's Note:**

> This was really hard for me to write. As someone who struggles with mental health issues, having difficulty in doing simple things such as getting up from bed can be beyond challenging. Apart from all that, let me know what you think! Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated! Also, please correct me with any typos I've made.  
Have a nice day.


End file.
